As long as there's a a Garbage Can Harry Buffalo night we can nix the otters. What am I gonna do with all these scampering and chattering adorable mammals? Is there an otter stew recipe out there somewhere? They will eat all these Pop Tart edges so thats a plus. Ever try to get otter crap stains off of a Lazy Boy? We'll it isn't easy. Oh hell, one's hanging from the living room light fixture now. Bloody hell, how did she even get up there? Probably chased by the damn lynx that's been been in the pantry. Thought lynx breeding would be lucrative but they just crap everywhere too and eat everything in the pantry. Thats the only place they'll hang out, in the pantry. Ever go to make the boys some mac n cheese only to be attacked by a lynx? That's a hellafide way to start your day. Time to google otter recipes.
Life in the temperate zone...
- Thread starter JeffGu
- Start date
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
Well, you could start a clam shucking business... cheap labor, and all...
- Location
- Retired in Minneapolis
I think i might have binge read this thread from the beginning!
It reminds me a little of a Hunter S Thompson rant
It reminds me a little of a Hunter S Thompson rant
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
Damn... it kinda does, you know? Or, a Douglas Adams novel.
I may have to throw myself at the ground, and miss. I've always wanted to learn to fly.
I may have to throw myself at the ground, and miss. I've always wanted to learn to fly.
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Tom you could start at the beginning if you want but don't expect anything pretty. Jeff has been on and off his meds for sometime and pretty much has Jim Beam on an IV drip at all times. The electroshock therapy was a disaster and he nows yells "pickle juice" when anyone uses the microwave near him. All this has ultimately led to this smoldering dumpster fire of a thread. Im just here to help convince him to take the little orange pill. And the yellow one. And three of the white ones...
- Location
- Retired in Minneapolis
Hunter on electricity...
Lock one hand behind your back before you touch anything full of dissatisfied voltage-even a failed light bulb-because you will almost certainly die soon if you don’t.
Electricity is neutral. It doesn’t want to kill you, but it will if you give it a chance. Electricity wants to go home, and to find a quick way to get there-and it will.
Electricity is always homesick. It is lonely. But it is always lazy. It is like a hillbilly with a shotgun and a jug of whiskey gone mad for revenge on some enemy-a fatal attraction, for sure-but he won’t go much out of his way to chase the bugger down if ambush looks a lot easier.
Why prowl around and make a spectacle of yourself when you can lay in wait under some darkened bridge and swill whiskey like a troll full of hate until your victim appears-drunk and careless and right on schedule-so close that you almost feel embarrassed about pulling the trigger.
That is how electricity likes to work. It has no feelings except loneliness, laziness, and a hatred of anything that acts like resistance…like a wharf rat with its back to the wall-it won’t fight unless it has to, but then it will fight to the death.
Electricity is the same way: it will kill anything that gets in its way once it sees a way to get home quick…
Zaaappp!
Right straight up your finger and through your heart and your chest cavity and down the other side.
Anything that gives an escape route. Anything-iron, water, water, flesh, ganglia-that will take it where it must go, with the efficiency of gravity or the imperative of salmon swimming upriver…And it wants the shortest route-which is not around a corner and through a muscle mass in the middle of your back, but it will go that way if it has to.
-Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Songs of the Doomed
More notes on the death of the American Dream
Gonzo Papers Vol. 3
Lock one hand behind your back before you touch anything full of dissatisfied voltage-even a failed light bulb-because you will almost certainly die soon if you don’t.
Electricity is neutral. It doesn’t want to kill you, but it will if you give it a chance. Electricity wants to go home, and to find a quick way to get there-and it will.
Electricity is always homesick. It is lonely. But it is always lazy. It is like a hillbilly with a shotgun and a jug of whiskey gone mad for revenge on some enemy-a fatal attraction, for sure-but he won’t go much out of his way to chase the bugger down if ambush looks a lot easier.
Why prowl around and make a spectacle of yourself when you can lay in wait under some darkened bridge and swill whiskey like a troll full of hate until your victim appears-drunk and careless and right on schedule-so close that you almost feel embarrassed about pulling the trigger.
That is how electricity likes to work. It has no feelings except loneliness, laziness, and a hatred of anything that acts like resistance…like a wharf rat with its back to the wall-it won’t fight unless it has to, but then it will fight to the death.
Electricity is the same way: it will kill anything that gets in its way once it sees a way to get home quick…
Zaaappp!
Right straight up your finger and through your heart and your chest cavity and down the other side.
Anything that gives an escape route. Anything-iron, water, water, flesh, ganglia-that will take it where it must go, with the efficiency of gravity or the imperative of salmon swimming upriver…And it wants the shortest route-which is not around a corner and through a muscle mass in the middle of your back, but it will go that way if it has to.
-Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Songs of the Doomed
More notes on the death of the American Dream
Gonzo Papers Vol. 3
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
So, I've been thinking it might be nice to have some sighting optics on my APTA....
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
Don't be silly. I stopped nocturnal tree climbing after that last peeping tom arrest ended in a frightening low-speed chase. Someone could have been mildly injured!
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
Well, I'm not normally much on conspiracy theories. I get sick to death of them, when finding three people who can keep a secret for more than a day is virtually impossible, it gets to be a bit much to believe entire government agencies and people with certain political affiliations can hold secret meetings all over the planet and communicate their secret plans via clandestine satellite communications systems for years on end.
But, I'm beginning to suspect that retail giants and manufacturing plants have invented a new technology to increase sales of products that we normally wouldn't be buying very often. For lack of a better term, I call it the Plain Sight Invisibility Cloaking Technology. I stumbled upon it purely by accident. I bought two cases of caulk for a project, a couple of months ago, and placed it right out in plain sight so that I could find it when I needed it. Well, I looked for that damn shit for 35 minutes, yesterday, and couldn't find it. So, I went to Menard's and bought another case of caulk so I could get started on that project. This is where it starts getting weird.
I came home, set the caulk down somewhere in plain sight, and went looking for that ten rolls of masking tape that I bought awhile back... I did eventually find it. It was hiding under a big pile of crap that I spent four hours looking for last week. I dug it out of there, and on my way out of the garage I managed to trip over two cases of caulk, which broke the magic invisibility cloaking field, allowing me to see it sitting on the garage floor in plain sight, exactly where I had left it. So, I gathered up my two cases of caulk and ten rolls of masking tape, and went looking for the new case of caulk that I just bought less than an hour earlier.
Holy shit. It was nowhere to be found. Simply vanished from the property, in spite of being in plain sight mere minutes ago. I think the invisibility cloaking field is triggered by turning your back to the treated products, which I'm convinced can be defeated by the appropriate amount of critical thinking. I walked backwards for awhile, thinking that might fool it. No go. I put on my Groucho Marx glasses and a clown wig, thinking it might stop working on me if it thought I was someone else, because it never seems to have any affect on my wife, who is apparently immune to the technology. That didn't work, either. Luckily for me, the wife came home.
Being immune to Plain Sight Invisibility Cloaking Technology, the wife quickly pointed out the new box of caulk sitting (obviously in plain sight) on my computer desk. I'm absolutely certain that I looked there. This is an insideous, evil technology we're dealing with. There needs to be a congressional hearing on this, and an investigation started by some branch of law enforcement responsible for keeping evil, industrial scientists from overstepping the boundaries of common decency.
Now, I need to get started on that project. As soon as I figure out why that two cases of caulk and ten rolls of masking tape disappeared, again.
But, I'm beginning to suspect that retail giants and manufacturing plants have invented a new technology to increase sales of products that we normally wouldn't be buying very often. For lack of a better term, I call it the Plain Sight Invisibility Cloaking Technology. I stumbled upon it purely by accident. I bought two cases of caulk for a project, a couple of months ago, and placed it right out in plain sight so that I could find it when I needed it. Well, I looked for that damn shit for 35 minutes, yesterday, and couldn't find it. So, I went to Menard's and bought another case of caulk so I could get started on that project. This is where it starts getting weird.
I came home, set the caulk down somewhere in plain sight, and went looking for that ten rolls of masking tape that I bought awhile back... I did eventually find it. It was hiding under a big pile of crap that I spent four hours looking for last week. I dug it out of there, and on my way out of the garage I managed to trip over two cases of caulk, which broke the magic invisibility cloaking field, allowing me to see it sitting on the garage floor in plain sight, exactly where I had left it. So, I gathered up my two cases of caulk and ten rolls of masking tape, and went looking for the new case of caulk that I just bought less than an hour earlier.
Holy shit. It was nowhere to be found. Simply vanished from the property, in spite of being in plain sight mere minutes ago. I think the invisibility cloaking field is triggered by turning your back to the treated products, which I'm convinced can be defeated by the appropriate amount of critical thinking. I walked backwards for awhile, thinking that might fool it. No go. I put on my Groucho Marx glasses and a clown wig, thinking it might stop working on me if it thought I was someone else, because it never seems to have any affect on my wife, who is apparently immune to the technology. That didn't work, either. Luckily for me, the wife came home.
Being immune to Plain Sight Invisibility Cloaking Technology, the wife quickly pointed out the new box of caulk sitting (obviously in plain sight) on my computer desk. I'm absolutely certain that I looked there. This is an insideous, evil technology we're dealing with. There needs to be a congressional hearing on this, and an investigation started by some branch of law enforcement responsible for keeping evil, industrial scientists from overstepping the boundaries of common decency.
Now, I need to get started on that project. As soon as I figure out why that two cases of caulk and ten rolls of masking tape disappeared, again.
The Bureau of Taco Trucks and Personal Lubricants denies any knowledge of the alleged Plain Sight Invisibility Cloaking Technology nor the purported motivations behind the alledged incidents occuring recently in rural Nebraska and Miss Kitty's House of Boom Boom and Oriental Massage Parlor.
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
So... you admit to being at Miss Kitty's on the night in question?
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
By the way, she wants her table lamp and Persian rug back.
JeffGu
Been here much more than a while
- Location
- Osceola, Nebraska
Miss Kitty informs me that they found Ming Lee tied up, wrapped in leather straps which were bolted down to the floor, wearing a hockey mask, whip marks on her buttocks and some kind of soil injection equipment inserted in places I can't bring myself to mention. The words "Jason lives!" were scrawled on the walls in either blood or possibly lipstick.
It's a bit suspicious, you must admit. You're lucky she was more concerned about getting the furnishings back than solving the mystery.
It's a bit suspicious, you must admit. You're lucky she was more concerned about getting the furnishings back than solving the mystery.
