Any recovering addicts here?

Is it taboo to ask here if you’re thinking about killing yourself?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this brother. I like having you around here, and enjoy reading your experiences and how you’ve grown in this industry, and I know I’m not alone in that. You’re valuable here, and it hurts to see you hurting like this.

I’ve been there man, I won’t go into details on a public forum, but suffice to say I probably shouldn’t be alive or have a functioning brain after my attempt 5 years ago. I was hopelessly addicted, hopelessly depressed, and thought I’d be doing my loved ones a favor by bowing out. I was wrong, it would’ve destroyed a few lives of folks that I love very much. I won’t believe that you’re unloved and that there’s nobody that you love too.

It’s not gonna be easy but I promise it’ll be worth it. Keep it simple, but make a plan and set a goal to get clean.

If you’re hanging out with other users, it’ll be hard. I had to cut ties with people that I’ve been friends with since elementary school, I had to totally ghost the sources and dealers, blocked numbers and almost changed my number.
It was cool that two friends wished me well, left me alone for a year or so, then reached out to reconnect with me and continue the friendship. Real friends I guess, not just fellow users. These guys wanted to see me succeed at this, and one of them is now clean for months, the other one is on and off, but he’ll probably make it eventually. I hope he does.
Anyways, yeah lose the sources, and it’ll make it easier.

Holler if I can help man, you really can beat this. Just gotta start. Once you’re past the acute withdrawal stuff, you’ll start really healing ... sometimes shortly after, the mental health stuff all just improves on it’s own.
 
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It’s good to hear you’re not doing too bad.

I’m not suggesting you need to abstain from alcohol permanently, but it’s so so bad drinking while you’re having a bout with depression. Such a temporary fix that demands payback tenfold the next day. Like dumping gasoline on a fire in hopes of extinguishing it.


If the mmt or subs or whatever is working for you and not screwing up your day, then keep on keeping on man. I looked into mmt and they wanted me to come there twice a day for the dose, which made it virtually impossible to keep a job so that route wasn’t for me. Plus there were people trying to sell dope nearby and I could’ve done without the temptation. All of em probably low key trying to rob a fella too lol.

So what’s the goal of the maintenance? Are you kinda stuck taking methadone or subs permanently or are they gradually tapering and eventually jump off when you’re stable on a tiny dose?

Shit happens man, I had relapses before I beat it. Try to identify what contributed to it. This is what I was talking about when I said I had to cut ties with friends, maybe you’re made of tougher stuff than me, but I wasn’t able to get clean while still being in contact with junkies. Once I had a source I just needed to convince myself enough to justify that shot. I’m bored. I got a little lower back pain. I slept like shit last night. Just this once then I’m done. Today’s not a good day to take this on. Just bullshit but when I REALLY want something like that, I’d make it sound good to myself anyways. The best help I found that actually worked was cut the sources, ghost those “friends”, delete contacts and message history from the phone for those contacts. When boredom really set in, a little weed was tremendously helpful, and helped with appetite too, not always an option for everyone I’m afraid, but worked for me. After a month or so I was still tempted but starting to feel normal. If anxiety isn’t a big problem, caffeine is a freakin wonder drug.

Also I used kratom to treat the symptoms. I’ve said enough on it I think, and I really don’t wanna sound like I’m peddling the shit, I’m just sharing what worked for me. It always seemed like a long difficult road to start, but looking back, I went from bad to ok in a few weeks and was pretty much back to normal in a few months. The anxiety, panic, and fear of being dope sick was somehow much more powerful and scary than the actual symptoms, although that part definitely sucked. Imodium is your friend lol.
 
Man, if this sounds stupid or corny, I apologize in advance. I find this thread kinda hits home with me as I started drinking at 13, and everything else by 16, and got lost for many years. It took me a long time to figure out that I am best as a human being when I am doing something that is beyond the barriers of a normal, sane person. I don't like saying adrenaline junkie, because that seems to imply recklessness, and I am far from reckless. But yes, I admit that adrenaline probably plays a role. The light bulb finally went off some years ago in a biology class and I realized that I was probably borderline depressed. I tried antidepressants, and they worked, but I hated being dependent on them and stopped taking them. But I did try find another way.

I found mountain biking in 2005 and that was a good start. Then found long day hiking in 2010 which wasn't quite as good, but my kids could do it with me. I added some rock wall climbing here and there and I really started to get some good vibes. Finally, in 2015, and after 32 years, I resdiscovered tree work and climbing and never looked back. Since I started climbing again, I have been like a new person. Although I gave up a 30 year smoking habit in 2012, I really put a damper on the alcohol in 2015 simply because I wanted to be focused in the tree. I'm not one to ask for help, so I just did it on my own. I do love good beer though, so I still partake, but drink only a small fraction of what I used to. Surprisingly, I find that I don't miss the alcohol as much as I miss climbing and sawing on those days between jobs. Had I never had a drinking problem, an outsider might just see it as a guy who loves his work. So, I'll just leave it at that and not complicate things.

Besides growing up around messed up homes, most of my problem was listening to people tell me how to live my life. Go to school and then go sit in a cubicle for the rest of your life and everything will be great. I'm not knocking the school part, just the cubicle thing. They were telling this to a kid who spent his entire childhood outside doing the dumbest shit imaginable and walking away without a scratch (or an arrest) most of the time. I spent the next 30 years with an alcohol problem trying to actually feel (or relive) some sort of excitement in life again. It damn near cost me my marriage at one point but I was lucky to have a very patient wife who grew up around people way worse than me.

In retrospect, I wish I'd had the balls to tell my family and girlfriend to piss off all those years ago, just dropped out of school for bit, and gone and done something a little more exciting. I finally understand now who I really am, and I am pretty unapologetic to my wife, friends, or anybody else about being a climber in this business. This is the best job in the world if you can keep your head straight. It does not surprise me that we all come with a lot of the same baggage. Anybody who wishes to climb a tree and run a chainsaw just isn't normal, but honestly, normal sucks.
 
@Birdyman88 I enjoyed reading your journey. Similar to mine except I realized I cannot use mind altering substances at all. That being said I have never felt depressed except when strung out and that is the drugs. Climbing has really been my grounding. Finding purpose and passion keeps me sane. Life is still challenging but I can cope easily. God in my life has been wonderful. Not everyones journey but is mine. I have a bad temper and it is one of my character defects I am working on without much success. But 15 years sober is a miracle. I do not take it for granted. It is a gift and enjoy every minute. Keep reaching for enjoying life it is wonderful.

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swingdude said:
@Birdyman88 I enjoyed reading your journey. Similar to mine except I realized I cannot use mind altering substances at all. That being said I have never felt depressed except when strung out and that is the drugs. Climbing has really been my grounding. Finding purpose and passion keeps me sane. Life is still challenging but I can cope easily. God in my life has been wonderful. Not everyones journey but is mine. I have a bad temper and it is one of my character defects I am working on without much success. But 15 years sober is a miracle. I do not take it for granted. It is a gift and enjoy every minute. Keep reaching for enjoying life it is wonderful.

Sent from my SM-N970F using Tapatalk
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I have been reluctant to chime in on this thread as this subject is closer to my heart than even tree work. For me , drugs and alcohol are a symptom of A bigger problem. When i was able to remove those factors I am left with the real issue which is me. Temperment is at the root for me also. I continually work on this with help from several sources of counselling. As tree climbers we have developed a kinda of hardened shell around us that demands confidence and self reliance. So asking for guidence is very difficult. Just wanted to say, the temper issue, your not alone.
 
owScott said:
I have been reluctant to chime in on this thread as this subject is closer to my heart than even tree work. For me , drugs and alcohol are a symptom of A bigger problem. When i was able to remove those factors I am left with the real issue which is me. Temperment is at the root for me also. I continually work on this with help from several sources of counselling. As tree climbers we have developed a kinda of hardened shell around us that demands confidence and self reliance. So asking for guidence is very difficult. Just wanted to say, the temper issue, your not alone.
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Thanks @owScott. Great to know I am not the only one struggling with anger. It is a daily for me. I have plenty of great attributes but the anger thing is certainly not one. I keep working daily.

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+1 on the anger thing. Went through company mandated anger management class in 2002, and went and thanked my boss for sending me afterward. That's also when I started exploring options for getting out the office environment.
 
swingdude said:
Thanks @owScott. Great to know I am not the only one struggling with anger. It is a daily for me. I have plenty of great attributes but the anger thing is certainly not one. I keep working daily.

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I’ve gotten to a point in life where I’m more okay with being angry and at times full of rage. Was brought up without skills to understand or have a healthy relationship with anger, so I was always the one to go a bit too far with wrestling etc and then have regret and shame for hurting others which led to more anger at myself.
Some folks are just born with it plus thousands of years of violence passed down through genes, my grandfather was a family beater so I understand my dad teaching me to bottle it up by example. Don’t quite know how to let out the rage in a good way but have stopped beating myself up about it, figuratively and occasionally not. Treework is a perfect fit for me, living the tree life.
 
I know all about that hating yourself crap. It’s a byproduct of the poison you’ve put in u. If u don’t smoke cigs and u still have good functioning knees cardio’s the cure. My brother, who saved my ass from addiction, and I did a lot of running these last 20 years but eventually settled in on short sessions of sprints. Hills are the best. 8-20 to 30 second sprints with 30 second rest in between. Crazy 8s they’re called. Sounds silly I know but I’m telling u it makes u physically feel fantastic which in turn makes u love life again. After I started feeling good again I then took it to another level and conquered all my other addictions like chew, bad food choices, alcolhol etc. Willpower is like a muscle, the more u use it the stronger it gets. Ah man! I could go on and on. Anyway, not to beat a dead horse, but I find Wim Hoff and also 5 days a week intermittent fasting the best way to stay in front of your bad desires. Oh yeah and climbing thru trees like spiderman I imagine is good therapy too.
 
@climbingmonkey24 Man, don't worry about a stray post here or there. Heck, you should read some of the junk I put on YouTube. If you can find me, I post pretty much whatever I feel at the time, lol! No shame. Most of them are posted after 2 beers turn into 10, but damn they seem to make a lot of sense at the time :sorprendido3: They're not coming down though. It's like my brother said to his wife about all the girls he dated ... "it's just part of my history". LOL. Hope all is well.
 
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