The Arborist Funny Pages!

1959 vs. 2009
HIGH SCHOOL


Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny
and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling
by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not
disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is
then tested for ADD.. The school gets extra money from the state because
Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college
and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's
sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking
dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations.. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from
core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and
all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 
How sad but how true!
boink.gif
 
[ QUOTE ]
1959 vs. 2009
HIGH SCHOOL


Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny
and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling
by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not
disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is
then tested for ADD.. The school gets extra money from the state because
Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college
and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's
sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking
dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations.. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from
core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and
all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I love it!! so true
pbj.gif
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently
on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because
I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy
and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes
and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion...

Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it
with the other people that live nearby for cocaine
and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find
a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take
care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit
so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your Son John



P. S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are
worse things in life than the Report Card
that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
[ QUOTE ]
A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently
on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because
I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy
and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes
and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion...

Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it
with the other people that live nearby for cocaine
and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find
a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take
care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit
so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your Son John



P. S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are
worse things in life than the Report Card
that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's a really good one right there!
grin.gif
 
thought for 2010

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for
weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you
shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a
substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2010
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in America,
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of
illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today:

'Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,
might burn your tomorrow.'
 
Army Life

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia
mountain man, was drafted into the Army. On his first
day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his
teeth.

On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army
is still looking for him.
 
We'll start with the classics:

Yo mama is so fat...

Her a** has it's own congressman.
When she sees a school bus she yells, "Stop that Twinkie!"
The hospital where she was born has stretch marks.
They had to take her High School grad photo from a satellite.
She passed in front of the TV and I missed 20 minutes of programing.
She has to iron her pants in the driveway.
She uses a roll-off bin for a couch.
Her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard.
She had to get baptised at Sea World.
She makes Free Willy look like a goldfish.
She got stuck in the Grand Canyon.
She has to use the scales on Route 23.
Her a** has it's own gravitational pull.
The doctor told her she had a flesh eating bacteria and gave her 7 yrs. to live.
When she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
She puts mayonaise on asprin.
Her blood test came back: Hickory Flavor
She doesn't pull lint from her belly button - she pulls sheep.
Columbus discovered her first.
You have to take a train and two cabs to get on her good side.
Instead of Levi's 501s she had 1002s.
Her belt size is "Equator."
The elephants throw her peanuts.
Her driver's license photo says, "Continued on other side."
Her nickname is "DAAAAMMMNNN!"
The shadow of her a** weighs 100 lbs.
Her beeper goes off and people think she's backin' up.
She uses a lawn chair for a Thigh Master.
She bought a fur coat and a species went extinct.
She got busted at the airport for having 200 lbs. of crack.
Her baby picture was an aerial photograph.
When she goes to the beach everyone yells, "Push her in - she's gonna die!"
She has to put on her belt with a Big Shot.
She stepped on the scale and it said, "To be continued..."
She puts on lipstick with a paint roller.
The National Weather agency assigns names to her farts.
Her a** has two area codes.
Bill Gates couldn't afford her liposuction.
They have to put speed bumps in front of the All You Can Eat Buffet.

For classictruckman:
When she plays hopscotch, she goes, "Ottowa, Ontario, Alberta, Yukon"
 
An arborist from Indianapolis was travelling through northern Canada collecting pressed leaves and seeds. On one trip he ran into a french trapper and asked if he knew of any interesting trees. The trapper replied by pointing his lips saying "nice berry tree next lac, careful on portage has been bacon tree."

So off goes the arborist more excited about the bacon tree than the berries. He checked his books, no mention of bacon tree or baconacea. He gets onto the portage and starts searching for the rare tree. Suddenly a group of indians that were camped near by and did not like white men jumped him by surprise and beat him up.

The arborist calls it a day and heads back toward the road. He finds the french trapper on the way and approaches him all bloodied and bruised. "Why didn't you warn me, I got attacked and what the hell is a bacon tree?" "Oh pardon moi" the trapper says "did I say bacon tree I meant hambush watch out for hambush."

- GO SAINTS -
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New threads New posts

Back
Top Bottom