- Location
- Retired in Minneapolis
\"Twas the Night before Christmas-times three
Here are three versions of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
#1 From the deck of Captain Jack Aubrey's ship, the HMS Surprise, made famous in
the Master and Commander movie
#2 The PC version
#3 From the woodworking shop
The Night before Christmas on the HMS Surprise
D. A. Runyon
As she pushed through the sea so clear and so blue.
The jacks all sat a waiting for something to do.
The boredom of duty was all they could stand,
'til young Admiral Aubrey came up with his plan.
"We all know that late Christmas eve day,
We'll be visited by Santa, his reindeer and sleigh.
When that time comes we can have some great fun
With our great pride and joy, our great thumping guns."
The crew all cheered loudly from orlop to truck
'Cause fat ol' St Nick from the sky they'd soon pluck.
They waited and waited through most of the night
When finally the fat man the lookout did sight.
"Max elevation, fire guns on the uproll,
A guinea to the man who first hits the old troll."
The rolling broadside was a pleasure to hear,
Then down in water splashed eight tiny reindeer.
When the ship swept on over the wreck of the sleigh
the crew gathered up what was near in their way.
The gifts contained in the overstuffed sack
Gave quite a rich bounty for the men and for Jack.
And saving the reindeer was a great lucky break,
For everyone ate their fill of deer steak.
On Christmas day next, you must dry your kid's eyes
'Cause Santa ain't coming, he was killed by Surprise.
******
A PC Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed. a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right,
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion-,
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
A Woodworker's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shop,
Not a worker was stirring, all projects were stopped.
The chisels were left by the whetstone with care,
In hopes that the elves would come sharpen them there.
The tools were all nestled and snug where they lay,
While visions of woodshavings danced on each blade.
Then up in the woodloft there came such a clatter,
The whole building shook from the weight of the matter,
And there on the creaky tin roof did appear,
A fine handmade sleigh drawn by ten dusty deer,
With a sparkly-eyed craftsman as spry as a buck,
Who went by the nickname of "Old Saint Woodchuck."
He was dressed all in suede from his cap to his shoe,
And his clothes were all covered with sawdust and glue.
A bundle of tools he had tucked in his sack,
With a Japanese saw sticking out of the back.
On his face he wore goggles and a dust-mask fit tightly, His cheeks were like
rosewood; his hearing shot slightly.
His skills were the sharpest and best in the land,
And he still had five fingers on each of his hands.
Then quick as a chainsaw his staunch helpers came,
And he hooted and hollered and hailed them by name:
“Now Router, now Ruler, now Hammer and Bitbrace;
On Shaper, on Scrollsaw, on jackplane and Compass."
All ran to the workbench and leapt to his call:
“Now get to work, get to work, get to work all!"
So they dulled not an edge, but cut straight to their task,
And sawed, planed, pounded and scraped till, at last,
All the toys that the children were waiting to get,
Were finished and wrapped (though the paint was still wet).
There were jacks made from walnut and dolls made of yew,
And an ash rocking horse with its tail painted blue,
A set of birch soldiers all carved from one log,
And even a hand-turned oak ball for the dog.
Then the kindly crew tidied and swept every crack,
And Saint Woodchuck thanked them while stretching his back.
Then he jumped in his stout sleigh and let out a yell,
And they roared from that shop like a bat out of hell.
But these words he exclaimed as they vanished from sight:
"Merry Christmas to all-that's enough for one night!"
-Sandor Nagyszalanczy
(With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of “A Visit From St. Nicholas.”)
Here are three versions of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
#1 From the deck of Captain Jack Aubrey's ship, the HMS Surprise, made famous in
the Master and Commander movie
#2 The PC version
#3 From the woodworking shop
The Night before Christmas on the HMS Surprise
D. A. Runyon
As she pushed through the sea so clear and so blue.
The jacks all sat a waiting for something to do.
The boredom of duty was all they could stand,
'til young Admiral Aubrey came up with his plan.
"We all know that late Christmas eve day,
We'll be visited by Santa, his reindeer and sleigh.
When that time comes we can have some great fun
With our great pride and joy, our great thumping guns."
The crew all cheered loudly from orlop to truck
'Cause fat ol' St Nick from the sky they'd soon pluck.
They waited and waited through most of the night
When finally the fat man the lookout did sight.
"Max elevation, fire guns on the uproll,
A guinea to the man who first hits the old troll."
The rolling broadside was a pleasure to hear,
Then down in water splashed eight tiny reindeer.
When the ship swept on over the wreck of the sleigh
the crew gathered up what was near in their way.
The gifts contained in the overstuffed sack
Gave quite a rich bounty for the men and for Jack.
And saving the reindeer was a great lucky break,
For everyone ate their fill of deer steak.
On Christmas day next, you must dry your kid's eyes
'Cause Santa ain't coming, he was killed by Surprise.
******
A PC Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed. a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right,
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion-,
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
A Woodworker's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shop,
Not a worker was stirring, all projects were stopped.
The chisels were left by the whetstone with care,
In hopes that the elves would come sharpen them there.
The tools were all nestled and snug where they lay,
While visions of woodshavings danced on each blade.
Then up in the woodloft there came such a clatter,
The whole building shook from the weight of the matter,
And there on the creaky tin roof did appear,
A fine handmade sleigh drawn by ten dusty deer,
With a sparkly-eyed craftsman as spry as a buck,
Who went by the nickname of "Old Saint Woodchuck."
He was dressed all in suede from his cap to his shoe,
And his clothes were all covered with sawdust and glue.
A bundle of tools he had tucked in his sack,
With a Japanese saw sticking out of the back.
On his face he wore goggles and a dust-mask fit tightly, His cheeks were like
rosewood; his hearing shot slightly.
His skills were the sharpest and best in the land,
And he still had five fingers on each of his hands.
Then quick as a chainsaw his staunch helpers came,
And he hooted and hollered and hailed them by name:
“Now Router, now Ruler, now Hammer and Bitbrace;
On Shaper, on Scrollsaw, on jackplane and Compass."
All ran to the workbench and leapt to his call:
“Now get to work, get to work, get to work all!"
So they dulled not an edge, but cut straight to their task,
And sawed, planed, pounded and scraped till, at last,
All the toys that the children were waiting to get,
Were finished and wrapped (though the paint was still wet).
There were jacks made from walnut and dolls made of yew,
And an ash rocking horse with its tail painted blue,
A set of birch soldiers all carved from one log,
And even a hand-turned oak ball for the dog.
Then the kindly crew tidied and swept every crack,
And Saint Woodchuck thanked them while stretching his back.
Then he jumped in his stout sleigh and let out a yell,
And they roared from that shop like a bat out of hell.
But these words he exclaimed as they vanished from sight:
"Merry Christmas to all-that's enough for one night!"
-Sandor Nagyszalanczy
(With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of “A Visit From St. Nicholas.”)
