Mental Health and Stress

[Bart_]

Got to be tactful with this one. Previous customer of mine started saying irrational stuff a year or so back. Initially I chalked it up to gotta cut him slack he's going through a bad phase and will straighten up and fly right given some time. He got to be pushy overbearing and too hard to stomach so I cut him off.

Fast forward a year and I see on the news a double fatal stabbing at his address. Confirm with neighbour it was a murder (wife) suicide (him).


Still don't know quite how to process it. Wife was the nicest person, caring for him with his medical conditions. Warned another customer with mentally affected husband to be a little cautious for unusual behaviour.

Wonder if such people can be helped or they are a runaway train.


Incidentally one sticking point was irrational tree work requests. In my absence a bad tree company obliged him. But the general verbiage out of his mouth was the camel straw.

Sorry I'm so sparse with the details but I'm kind of making the story anonymized out of respect for the family.

 

[Daniel]

I had the exact same thing happen in the 90s. Good customer. I used to clean her gutters every year and had done some tree work.

I made my normal call to confirm they wanted their gutters cleaned. We did the job, left a bill. The wife called and was very upset that I had done the job without her ok, because they were now divorced and the husband didn't have the authority to authorize the work...

What do you say to that? I didn't know you were divorced and we clean your gutters every year... I apologized even though I really hadn't done anything wrong. To her credit, she called back and apologized, saying it was misplaced anger.

And that was the last I heard from her. A short while later they were all over the news. Murder suicide. Other than that one call, she had always been nice and great to work for. Heartbreaking. I think they had kids at home still too.

I have a rule about taking vengeful action of any kind. Do it tomorrow... never today...and when enough tomorrows never come, you'll forget all about it.

 

[Merle Nelson]

The Human Condition is a quandary. The best that work specifically in that field don't have it figured out. I would be afraid of any of us that thought we did. Showing caring, kindness, and doing what is best for the customer while doing top notch work is what I can see in my scope of abilities. It sounds like you do that at a higher level as well.

Some things are not "fixable"/"solvable" by us. Dementia, mental illness, etc. are things that even our best institutions and government organizations are flailing at dealing with at best. Hold yourself to doing what you can do and forgive yourself for not being able to do more.

With regard to "processing it" from your original post I would say that we have to come to a place of comfort or acceptance with a thing that should not be. We've done what we could do...and that's enough for today. Who else can you do a thing for or contribute to?

 

[Jonny]

It doesn’t make sense, usually.

Bart, it sounds like this is weighing heavily on your mind and I want to share something with you that pulls me out of the hole when I start getting overly focused on past trauma. I’m still turning shit over in my head from 20 years ago, but what I keep coming back to is that sometimes really bad shit happens to really good people, but I didn’t cause that bad shit to happen. YOU did not cause this thing to happen. If, in hindsight there were potential warning signs, then those same warning signs were out there for other people to see as well, and those other people couldn’t have interpreted those signs either. Murder and suicide are not the actions of a rational person, and unless they made a clear statement of their intent to do this thing, nobody could reasonably be expected to predict such behaviors.

This is fucked up, and you’re supposed to be bothered by anything like this happening to anyone you’ve known, that’s empathy right there. Maybe “ bothered” or “ disturbed” are too mild of a word for what you’re feeling, but you get my point. Tell yourself, say it out loud “ I didn’t cause this, and I couldn’t have known he would go so far.”

 

[Merle Nelson]

I started doing "seminars" about 40 years ago on success, learning, peak achievement etc. In rooms with dozens or sometimes thousands of people on all kinds of topics and focus's in life. One thing that helped me a lot in life was to notice that no one has it all figured out. No one is okay in all ways. I often think of this when I hear people talk and think in terms of "I don't".... No - nobody does. I think there would be a lot less pain in life if we stopped walking around thinking that everyone else is okay but I'm x.

 

[Bart_]

Thanks for the thoughts. I can do my part by supporting the 80 yr old decades family friend of the deceased who was a bit directly involved in the gore. I've known him about a decade and my current assessment is he's still in shock. I figure shock because he's too normal outwardly at the moment considering the trauma. Help the living. Doing so will probably help me come to terms with it. Thanks again.

 

[evo]

Thanks for the thoughts. I can do my part by supporting the 80 yr old decades family friend of the deceased who was a bit directly involved in the gore. I've known him about a decade and my current assessment is he's still in shock. I figure shock because he's too normal outwardly at the moment considering the trauma. Help the living. Doing so will probably help me come to terms with it. Thanks again.

Do it, totally off topic but I just spent all available time helping out with what appears to be a racially/or politically motivated arson attack in my ‘back yard’. No one was hurt other than $250,000 worth of ag equipment was torched beyond use.
All for a program geared to help marginalized youth and communities come back to the soil that feeds them.

Many times the bad doesn’t make sense, but rolling up your sleeves and getting sweaty can have a positive impact. In your case there might not be the same tangible way to help, but certainly there is ways you can support.

 

[ghostice]

Bart/ everybody want to say - great thread. Thanks

 

[27RMT0N]

We are in a customer facing business (those of us who do residential work at least) and that means we will come into contact with all sorts of people over the years, at their homes, and for repeat customers often giving us the opportunity to get to know them and see them change. Most people are good and 'normal' for lack of a better word, but as a fact of numbers, eventually something bad will occur to some people. And I'm not saying that to diminish what happened, only that tragedy is a part of life too and one we will all come into contact with given a long enough timeline. Like you said, help the living where possible.