Phil
Carpal tunnel level member
- Location
- Oak Lawn, IL
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhoused himself in the face.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do
Chuck once went sledding in New Hampshire and broke the sound barrier by turning his head around and blowing forcefully. As a result of the shock waves, several children died. Chuck ascended to heaven and repeatedly roundhouse kicked God in the face until he brought them all back to life. Every single one of those children are now scientists
Chuck Norris actually painted all the works of Michelangelo, but lost them to Michelangelo after he bet that he could drink the entire ocean. Norris almost succeeded, but gagged on a giant squid at the last moment.
Chuck Norris once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris's erogenous zone is located on the heel of his foot. It is probable that Chuck Norris engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm while roundhouse kicking some face.
Chuck Norris speaks in THX certified sound.
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and never saw another thing again.
Chuck Norris can view any film in 3D without the aid of those colored glasses.
Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to roundhouse kick him.
Saying Chuck Norris backwards aloud will reverse the rotation of the Earth.
Chuck Norris created the Strait Of Gibraltar roundhouse kicking the Iberian Peninsula.
Chuck Norris used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.
Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can talk into glass jars and close them, then open them to hear his own voice.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later, you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.
Chuck Norris can fly in water, swim on the ground, run in the air.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply roundhouse kicked the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3-month-old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!", and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
While trekking the deserts of Africa, Chuck Norris was starving and resorted to eating large quantities of pure sand. He subsequently shit out the great pyramids of Egypt, which immediately hardened, baked by the glare from his beard. Don't ask Chuck Norris how the Sphinx happened; he doesn't take kindly to probing questions.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. By "knit," I mean, "roundhouse kick," and by "sweaters," I mean "babies."
NoritosTM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread
complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal "ass-kicking zing" advertised on the bag.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by calmly telling it what to do
Chuck once went sledding in New Hampshire and broke the sound barrier by turning his head around and blowing forcefully. As a result of the shock waves, several children died. Chuck ascended to heaven and repeatedly roundhouse kicked God in the face until he brought them all back to life. Every single one of those children are now scientists
Chuck Norris actually painted all the works of Michelangelo, but lost them to Michelangelo after he bet that he could drink the entire ocean. Norris almost succeeded, but gagged on a giant squid at the last moment.
Chuck Norris once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris's erogenous zone is located on the heel of his foot. It is probable that Chuck Norris engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm while roundhouse kicking some face.
Chuck Norris speaks in THX certified sound.
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and never saw another thing again.
Chuck Norris can view any film in 3D without the aid of those colored glasses.
Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to roundhouse kick him.
Saying Chuck Norris backwards aloud will reverse the rotation of the Earth.
Chuck Norris created the Strait Of Gibraltar roundhouse kicking the Iberian Peninsula.
Chuck Norris used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.
Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can talk into glass jars and close them, then open them to hear his own voice.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later, you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.
Chuck Norris can fly in water, swim on the ground, run in the air.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply roundhouse kicked the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3-month-old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!", and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
While trekking the deserts of Africa, Chuck Norris was starving and resorted to eating large quantities of pure sand. He subsequently shit out the great pyramids of Egypt, which immediately hardened, baked by the glare from his beard. Don't ask Chuck Norris how the Sphinx happened; he doesn't take kindly to probing questions.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. By "knit," I mean, "roundhouse kick," and by "sweaters," I mean "babies."
NoritosTM, a Chuck Norris flavored snack treat, was soon discontinued from the market after widespread
complaints of dental injury from the all-too literal "ass-kicking zing" advertised on the bag.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
