Evacuation turmoils -

Publication of Britney Spears’ eagerly awaited autobiography, Talentless Slut, has been postponed indefinitely, according to Scratchit & Krotch, her publishers


The news drew howls of protest from the trembling lips of her sobbing fans, many of whom threw themselves off the roofs of buildings or hung themselves by their nipple rings as they faced the prospect of another month—or possibly several years—without the inspirational words of America's princess of pop and former professional virgin.

According to Phil McCrack, Britney Spears' publicity manager, who spoke exclusively to Utterpants from atop a huge mountain of rejection notices that smelt strongly of girl water, the 'resting' pop sensation and mother-to-be is 'quietly confident' that her autobiography well be out in time for Christmas, but would not be drawn on whether she meant this year or some indeterminate Yuletide in the future.

Pausing only to 'anoint' another batch of autographed pink and blue thongs with what he assured our reporter was Britney's best-selling perfume—'Clueless', but looked suspiciously like the creamy man-juice he was pumping out of his hugely empurpled member, Phil McCrack went on to reveal that it was the pop tart's insistence on naming her baby after a British football team that had delayed the book's publication.
"Why is that a problem?" we asked.
"Britney's American for crissakes!" snapped the publicist, hurriedly zipping up his jeans.
"Didn't Victoria Beckam name her kid after a New York bridge?"
"That's different, Posh Spice is a skanky little slut who's married to a loser who can't keep his dick in his pants."

"So what name has she chosen?" we asked.
"Macclesfield."
"Not Preston?" we asked. "We heard it was Preston."
"It might be.." muttered the publicist evasively. "Geography was never Ms Spear's strong point."
"So what happened to 'Charlie?"
"Ms Spears dropped it after someone pointed out that 'chocolate factory' was a euphemism for an anal sex slut and 'Charlie' was something dirty hoes sucked on."

Britney Spears (34-69-34), who is said to have become an expert cock sucker after practising for months on a giant lingam given to her by Madonna, was unavailable for comment when we tried to contact her at the Kabbalah Fellatio Centre in downtown Santa Monica to which she has just donated $567,000 and a pair of her 'Toxic' panties.

Rumours that her autobiography contains hundreds of steamy sex sessions during which Britney guzzles her way through gallons of All-American cream were vigorously denied by a spokestypeperson for the publishers, who gave us quite another story on condition that we preserved her anonymity.
“We simply can’t get a useable manuscript out of her,” complained Cherry Hindlick (27), wringing her hands in despair. “What she sent us doesn’t appear to have a single preposition or adverb in it. It’s complete gibberish! It’s as if somebody sat a monkey in front of a typewriter, only I've yet to encounter a simian who peppers his prose with disparaging references to the inadequate size of their partner's genitalia and her own excessive fondness for being rutted up the back passage by complete strangers in public restrooms on the flimsy pretext that it 'soothes baby."

When we asked about the possibility of using a ghostwriter to complete the project, Ms Hindlick sighed deeply. “We’ve tried that. We want it to be her story but all she does is grab her crotch and giggle.” The spokestypeperson referred all questions regarding a potential lawsuit to Scratchit & Krotch's corporate attorney, Simone Shyster, who told us: “We’d like to recover the two million dollar advance, but she apparently used most of it for reconstructive surgery and blew the rest up Kevin Federline's nose, or possibly her ass.
 
Okay - I got my Britney fix for the week. Now I know. Thanks.

Has anyone been keeping-up with our goodwill ambassador to the world Paris Hilton?

I'm also worried about the future of NASCAR racing. And oh my God, I know someone who has toenail fungus.

Arnold for President.
 
godd dman mr ed..you been smoking thathumboldt shit or what? i aint heard anything that cold in awhile.. i laughed my ass off .hey oakwilt...dont get us started on paris hilton she is as bad if not worse , stuck up lil party whore at least she does have a bootlegskin flick out there. but masterblaster is right they are good to look at. i think that paris may have just gotten married.. check the womens mags at the checkout at the grocery store .. i seen her picture on one of the covers
 
Failed American porn star, Paris Hilton, lashed out at Playboy owner Hugh Hefner today, accusing him of faking pictures of her in his quality magazine

The modest and retiring heiress fought off stiff competition—or possibly several pounds of silicone—to become the cover girl for the '25 Sexiest Celebrities' issue of the puerile US wankrag. Paris Hilton now claims the cover picture—depicting a busty, blonde bimbo balanced on a barstool in fishnet stockings, red corset and red stiletto heels—was faked; a claim Hugh Hefner has vigorously denied.

As we reported earlier, Paris Hilton took part in a photoshoot at Hefner's Playboy mansion in May, but the pictures were never published because Ms Hilton came out looking like 'a washed-up junkie fag hag' according to an anonymous Playboy employee we didn't consult, but who let our researcher, Olga Warwyzyn, see the original transparencies in exchange for a quick 'Lewinsky' in the dark room. Faked or not, the sexy snaps of the busty blonde bimbo wearing a transparent T-shirt inside the issue have clearly done her flagging career no harm. So why is she complaining?

We put this question to her agent, a 'Ms Smith'.
“Paris had been promised that these Playboy pictures would not be released until after her boob slip at this year's Superbowl."
"Boob slip?" we asked.
"Er, sorry," said the agent, blushing furiously. "I meant book signing. Not boob slip. Er..Paris would never do anything like that. Well, not deliberately anyway.."

Playboy chose its contenders for the 'Sex Star of the Year' award after polling a carefully selected group of 18-year-old male college students from Tennessee. Anna Nicole Smith, a frequent mucky Mansion visitor, had been tipped to win, but was ditched when wardrobe staff couldn't find a corset big enough for her to wear for the photoshoot.

The enthusiastic teen judges quickly whittled down the final selection to just ten washed-up American crack whores, including Pamela Anderson, Tara Reid, Beyonce Knowles, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. The Olsen Twins were eliminated early when it was discovered that their tits were real, while Britney was disqualified for vote-rigging after a 127 readers complained they'd contracted a nasty skin infection from the panties she sent them.

"Naturally, Paris won hands down," an unrepentant Hugh Hefner told Utterpants via our WAP enabled, 5G, 3D satellite cellphone.
"So is it the real Paris Hilton on the cover?" we asked.
"Bits of her are."
"So someone touched her up?"
"Hasn't everyone?" Hefner chuckled. "Paris has the kind of in your face appeal our readers can't resist," the chubby Casanova enthused, though it was unclear whether he was referring to her personality, or the size of her enormous assets.
 
Hey, If you figure out what to do and what actions to take. Let me know. I see all those good ole american boys dying off in Afghanistan and Iraq dying for what they may or may not believe in. And something I believe to be an outright crime against humanity. Am I not willing to fight for what I beleive in? I struggle with the issue of violence but there is some element inside of me that would enlist imedietly in a revolutionary force when that moment comes up and I feel that time is soon.

And yes, to hell with the whores. I have been one too but there is no time for that anymore. Money seems to be losing its value everyday. The future less certain. A tree standing is getting more and more valuable. A little cash in the wallet does not mean a secure future anymore. It made me sick to hear about Oxman. Living amongst Strong trees, and healthy soil is a secure future. The trees make our air and the soil makes our food. They both clean our water. And what else do we need in life.

kevin
 
I think lately, that Oxman's become more of a real human being. Read something he wrote, it was good.

I also have skeletons in my closet that unfortunately come out to visit me about every night. Making nice helps a lot - during the daytime, but the price to be payed for a past of a whore seems forever. I tell that to anyone who still thinks the Marines can instill honor and respect.
 
What did Oxman write?
Its funny when forums from the past pop back up. As people keep on fighting more and more, You really get to see how completely ineffective violence and war are. probably the least usefull, most overated, most expensive, and most dangerous tool that gets used now a days.
 
I'm looking for the laptop I found it thru.

On another note re: Katrina...

Google imagry has replaced the last sector posted of New Orleans with older images that predate the destruction. The homes, lawns, streets and happy people are back, although historic only. It didn't happen - or Michael Brown actually did do "a heck of a job" and everything's alright in dreamland America?

What we don't know, or somehow forget, makes anything possible.
 
[ QUOTE ]
and everything's alright in dreamland America?

What we don't know, or somehow forget, makes anything possible.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'd rather live in 'dreamland America' than Iran.

Perhaps you would prefer to be dictated to by a fascist islamic mullah?
 
"Perhaps you would prefer to be dictated to by a fascist islamic mullah?"

I think that's going to be the outcome here when we're invaded by the growing hoards of pissed-off nationals from many other countries that we've belittled, controlled, abused and exploited the last few years. China's most likely very aware of the failure and reduction of American military capability abroad...running on empty due to incompetent leaders here.

I don't see your question as a logical choice, but we do have the option three of organizing against and destroying the current failed leadership we do have now - the one that's put us in this detrimental position.

The fascist islamic trends are healthier because of America's mistakes to go along with Bush and his cronies, who promised many things of which none could be or have been delivered.
 
America is the most important global power and if they are seen to be weak in anyway there are others only too ready to capitalise and take advantage of
America and the rest of right thinking western nations.

We have become too liberal. Muslim fundamentalists want the rest of the world to follow Islam. How are you gonna react to seeing western women forced to wear an islamic headscarf if these fascists get their way?
 
Precisely.

That's why it's critical to impeach Bush and reverse his policies of making more terrorists out of ordinary foreigners who are arming themselves in astronomical numbers to protect their homelands from ill-conceived, off target, and failing wars. I do think we're next here in our comfortable homeland, that they will grow in tact and ability to strike us, and the bankrupt U.S. Military can do little - if anything about it.
 
America \'s place in the world.

'impeach Bush' - Pointless waste of time and money

'ordinary foreigners' - there is no such thing as an ordinary foreigner, foreigners are not generally a benevolent force for passive international interactions. They would be arming themselves regardless of US foreign policies, as countries become more industrialised they tend to increase national security.

'who are arming themselves in astronomical numbers' - This an exaggerated claim, most countries in the world who are arming themselves are doing so in order to achieve power in their local area eg Pakistan/India, North Korea/Japan and various corrupt regimes in Africa.

'ill-conceived, off target, and failing wars.' - I see the American policy of attempting to sort out the middle east as well concieved, on target but a failing war at the moment. If America leaves the middle east to fester in islamic fundamentalism then the world be far worse off than it ever has been in the past. These regimes are anti-democratic and have no respect for the most basic individual human freedoms.

'I do think we're next here in our comfortable homeland, that they will grow in tact and ability to strike us, and the bankrupt U.S. Military can do little - if anything about it.'

Do you think the rest of the world will let that happen with impunity? No, of course not they have too much to lose. Europe is generally seen as force for diplomacy and appeasement, this is because they have been ravaged by wars for thousands of years and they are also closer to the main conflict zone, but make no mistake, Britain and the rest of Europe will give America full support against either fascist Ayatolla run muslim states(Iran) or failed communist cesspits like North Korea.

When Ayatolla Khomenie gained power in the Iranian revolution he told the people of Iran to go onto their roofs and praise Allah for a whole night, they did, thats the kind of extremist ideology that the rest of the world will never tolerate.
 
Re: America \'s place in the world.

You certainty about other's "loving us" sounds just like "Saddam was complicite in 9/11 and has WMD's he intends on sending to the U.S. and can do it in .45 minutes!"

I'd suggest you update your outlook on both the world and the base of your fears. Oh, and "Jessica Lynch emptied her clip before she was captured and tortured".

Do you also think that "We're winning" - if we "stay the course?"
 
Re: America \'s place in the world.

[ QUOTE ]
You certainty about other's "loving us" sounds just like "Saddam was complicite in 9/11 and has WMD's he intends on sending to the U.S. and can do it in .45 minutes!"

[/ QUOTE ]

I did not say other's "loving us" so I don't understand why you put that in inverted commas.
Anyway I support the manufactured consent given by a majority of American people if it means we can get rid of the likes of Saddam Hussein and his ilk. Amedinijad is next along with the Ayatollas if the continue to behave like 7th century peasants with a chip on their shoulders.

[ QUOTE ]

I'd suggest you update your outlook on both the world and the base of your fears.

[/ QUOTE ]

Despite the fact that you are insulting my intelligence with that comment I will answer your suggestion.......
I have updated my outlook, starting last week when Iran arrested 15 British sailors and marines in the Persian gulf then forced the woman sailor to wear an islamic headscarf and then made her under duress write Iranian propaganda directed at both the Arab world and the wider international arena. This is the behaviour of violently repugnant autocrats.

........and yes, I am fearful of Islam, the same way I would be fearful of Nazism and Stalinism in the 30s and 50s respectively.

Don't you read the worldwide press? Are you unaware of the Danish cartoons story? or how the local government in Banda Aceh using western charity funds introduced Sharia law in the Tsunami hit area and are carrying out public thrashings of women for not wearing the jilbob(islamic headscarf)?

[ QUOTE ]

Do you also think that "We're winning" - if we "stay the course?"

[/ QUOTE ]

Bush and the current US administration along with the Democrats and the UK government with support from the intelligent members of the EU know only too well that this war against islamic terrorism and despotism will be fought for hundreds if not thousands of years.

Its about pressure. Keep the pressure on these extremists and we will hopefully eventually live in a moderately safer world.

Please stop with the left-wing soundbites/slogans, its getting boring.
If you want to live in a socialist utopia where everything is done for you and someone else is to blame for all the world's ills then that is a sad reflection on your character.

I don't appreciate the personal attacks on my views, so this is why I have attacked your views, please try to be more constructive instead of blurting out the half-baked intellectual rhetoric.

Thank you.
 
Re: America \'s place in the world.

You ever served in the armed forces?

And about the other nations out there, planning to partake in hundreds - if not thousand's of year's wars against this "Islamic tide"...I think we're learning lesson two about how well western powers can battle and win against this threat.

Not very well, eh?

I'm not a socialist, rather a realist, and one with experience in foreign policy...especially one (or two) international efforts that have failed.

The "pressure" you speak of has so far only incited and increased the threat. If not finding an alternative to the bloodshed, it willnot end, that I (and now the majority of the American people) can assure you of.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New threads New posts

Back
Top Bottom