Then why can’t I find peace and love ?
I learned a long time ago that when someone compliments you, or states that they are concerned about you, or that they love you, simply accept that they mean what they say and be thankful. Do not allow your brain to dismiss their words and motives by telling yourself that you are undeserving of such care and affection, or that they don't really mean what they say. They do!
I have witnessed here an extraordinary level of love, caring, and outreach toward you over an extended period, more than many folks receive in a lifetime (thanks to the power of online forums like this). But unless you let it in it all goes to waste--bringing much sadness and feelings of futility to all of us on this end of the conversation.
Peace will only come with your internal acceptance of that love and affection. My own father could not feel loved because his stepmother had acted like he did not exist. Luckily, having met my mother (a dynamically loving person), he learned (in his own way) to show affection to her and his two sons. But he remained unable to feel our love toward him, viscerally, because he remained damaged (undeserving of love) from his childhood.
Soon after I moved to my own apartment with my girlfriend at 19, I invited my parents to dinner one night. It meant a lot to me that I could host them for the first time and thereby express my affection for, respect for, and interest in them. When they were leaving, I hugged each of them and told each that I loved them. While it's unlikely that that was the first time I'd said it to him, it WAS the first time that he heard it--and more important, felt it. Years later, after he died, my mother revealed that he had wept uncontrollably when they got in the car that night, and experienced a long-overdue, much-deserved catharsis that she believed helped to bring him peace throughout his remaining years. The lesson here is that love was all around him. All he had to do was let it in--and not tell himself that he was unlovable.
