I’m done

It sounds like you can’t do this on your own. Few can. I started with AA. People there spoke of God but I was an atheist. In desperation, I said simple prayers. God met me where I was. He changed my mind and my heart. I was born again in spirit. Without that complete change gifted to me, I’d be dead. I stayed with AA for a long time and got busy in church and Christian recovery meetings. If that desire to get well is stronger than your desire to get lit up, go to an AA, NA, or Celebrate Recovery meeting depending upon your substance(s) of choice. Recovery happens in community. You’re addiction will fight back and make excuses why you shouldn’t go. Don’t listen to it. It wants to destroy you. It will succeed if not stopped.
 
Treeaddict said:
It sounds like you can’t do this on your own. Few can. I started with AA. People there spoke of God but I was an atheist. In desperation, I said simple prayers. God met me where I was. He changed my mind and my heart. I was born again in spirit. Without that complete change gifted to me, I’d be dead. I stayed with AA for a long time and got busy in church and Christian recovery meetings. If that desire to get well is stronger than your desire to get lit up, go to an AA, NA, or Celebrate Recovery meeting depending upon your substance(s) of choice. Recovery happens in community. You’re addiction will fight back and make excuses why you shouldn’t go. Don’t listen to it. It wants to destroy you. It will succeed if not stopped.
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I really dig this. I did not get sober with meetings. But I was delivered through Christ. Just my journey. Everyone's path is different. AA and NA is a good way to start, I started there. Hopefully our friend here begins his journey. He is so worth it. But only he can make that step. Many tried to help me, but I only got sober when I got sick and tired of being high and all the despair it created. It really is a painful life to live.
 
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That thar is what is called rock bottom. No one or any thing can force you to do this.
God or not, you need something to surrender to. Something outside yourself, without that your mind and addiction is a trap. Overcoming this is and will be the hardest thing you or anyone can possibly do, but you have to break it down into simple black and white steps. These steps are your new rules of life and they HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED.
You do them or you don’t, ‘I tried’, ‘I’m trying’.. doesn’t count. Yes there is practice, and I hate this analogy but there is truth to it.
Imagine your laying on the couch and the wind blows the front door open. How do you close the door? How do you try to close the door? You have to first sit up, walk across the room, and close the fucken door. You either do it or you don’t, if the door is broken you fix it or you don’t. There is no ‘trying’, black and white. Addiction is the same in both directions. You shoot up or you don’t, you dump the bottle of booze or you drink it. There is no holding a beer in your hand and saying ‘I’m trying’.
Im not down playing addiction, it’s a slippery fucker, and very dark and hard. But it’s actually simple, if you break it down into steps. Set goals, and hold yourself accountable, build a community to also hold yourself accountable. Can’t half ass this shit.
Your going to make it, but it can only come from sitting up and walking across the room to shut the door.
 
evo said:
That thar is what is called rock bottom. No one or any thing can force you to do this.
God or not, you need something to surrender to. Something outside yourself, without that your mind and addiction is a trap. Overcoming this is and will be the hardest thing you or anyone can possibly do, but you have to break it down into simple black and white steps. These steps are your new rules of life and they HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED.
You do them or you don’t, ‘I tried’, ‘I’m trying’.. doesn’t count. Yes there is practice, and I hate this analogy but there is truth to it.
Imagine your laying on the couch and the wind blows the front door open. How do you close the door? How do you try to close the door? You have to first sit up, walk across the room, and close the fucken door. You either do it or you don’t, if the door is broken you fix it or you don’t. There is no ‘trying’, black and white. Addiction is the same in both directions. You shoot up or you don’t, you dump the bottle of booze or you drink it. There is no holding a beer in your hand and saying ‘I’m trying’.
Im not down playing addiction, it’s a slippery fucker, and very dark and hard. But it’s actually simple, if you break it down into steps. Set goals, and hold yourself accountable, build a community to also hold yourself accountable. Can’t half ass this shit.
Your going to make it, but it can only come from sitting up and walking across the room to shut the door.
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Love this....love this thread to the max. Drugs consumed my life from 11 to 38. To be 17 years sober is a freakin miracle. People that know me might not like me, but they sure as ass respect me knowing what I overcame. Many have said this to my face. We are rooting for you here good SIR.
 
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I hope you take the advice given here get up and get some help. Getting clean is a good first step, what do you have to loose?
Life isn’t peaches and cream. I’m personally in a very fucked situation but figuring it out one step at a time.
You have taken the first steps by posting here and reaching out, time to take the next and get some in person help
 
I'll note that the ONLY negative things said about you here have come from you--and you alone. On the flip side--based on words/thoughts you've shared with us on your good days--we tend to believe that you're a good guy who deserves a good life.

So, stop listening to that guy in your head and find someone (counselor, AA, NA, doctor, or any trustworthy person) who can help you focus on your better half.
 
@climbingmonkey24 , what is your first name. I am Paul. Let me know a bit about you. Let's get to know each other. I was born in Halifax Nova Scotia. Given up to an orphanage at birth. Was adopted at 3 and came to live in Barbados in 1970. Cool ass place in the caribbean. I grew up an only child but had loads of friends. Started smoking weed at 11, drinking at 15, cocaine at 16. Then went to boarding school at 16 in Canada ....that is where things started to get out of hand....speed and lsd. I moved at lightning speed, girls and drugs and party party.....that is part one. We have covered up til '87 .... to be continued.......
 

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Great call, Paul!

Climbingmonkey, My name is Mike. I’m 43yrs old I was adopted by my parents at 8 weeks of age. They are good people. Never did I witness any alcohol abuse and definitely no drug use. Since I can remember, I’ve always felt different and didn’t like myself so much. I lived like that for a long time. There were many trips to doctors and psychiatric institutions to try to help. Medication was prescribed liberally. I found relief from all my mental and emotional torment by smoking pot and taking lsd and mushrooms. Luckily, I didn’t discover this until 16 yrs of age. From ages 16-30 I didn’t go a day without some type of chemicals. They got progressively worse. I had a divorce, bankruptcy, and a foreclosure just after getting sober. My past caught up to me. I had a 400 mg a day intravenous OxyContin habit and drank 12-18 beers a night. I also used anything else I could get my hands on. By the grace of God, I never overdosed or spent more than 1 night in jail. I was arrested 3 times but my record is clean.

I’m going to follow Paul’s model, more to come…….
 
Being adopted I too like Mike always felt different. I would look at my friend's households and they had roots. I wanted to fit in. I am 55, and in the 80s the drug culture was rife. So I leaned to those who used. My household was also drug and alcohol free. My parents were loving and kind, very supportive. But school to them was always important. It was a pressure I hated and I rebelled......I got in trouble with the police for fighting and being drunk on a few occasions. I too fortunately have only misdemeanors on my record which can easily be cleaned after all this time sober ( 17 years ). I got married at 23 and had my first child at 26. Life was ok, but the drugs and alcohol consumed my life and affected my relationships with my spouse and parents. The lack of responsibility and accountability on my part caused numerous problems. I just was so selfish.....let this soak in the spiral was increasing downwards......to be continued.
 
Like Paul said “I was just so selfish”. That was the root of my issues as well. It was hard to take pleasure in others company or accomplishments. I thought it was better to receive and knew very little of giving. I always wanted to feel better than I deserved. My emotions were numbed by the drugs. Anger is probably the one emotion that wasn’t scaled back by substances. I remember being pessimistic and angry. There were major feelings of infertility coupled with over inflated ego. I’d drive to work and would to run off the road at 75mph to end it. I was plagued with suicidal thoughts……..
 
An older brother was sober from drugs for 34 years. His shoulder was bone on bone, the orthopedic doctor gave him a "mild" narcotic. It lit a fuse, of which particulars he did not share with me. Was only sleeping in the house a few hours a night, wife and sons were feeling the stress. He checked himself into a rehab, similar inability to sleep much. Very closed though he considers himself liberally minded. I picked him up at rehab a few weeks ago, had teeth removed and is now on a liquid diet due to the circumstances.

We are either part of the problem or the solution. When I can I try to get to 12 step meetings. My personal weakness is for athletic pretty girls. In 12 step meetings you hear from guys who are going to jail but are still hopeful and upbeat. If you are living alone the solution for meaningful connection may be having other people around.
 
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We need a thread "In praise of tree climbers" or something. They are in huge demand! I paid Mike and other climbers $50/hr cash, now they are worth a lot more than that around here. Homeowners should be welcoming them with open arms like the sheep shearers up in Vermont who are given a private room when they are in town to shear the farm's sheep.
 
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climbingmonkey24 said:
I just want to be free
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Everyone needs reminders….

I’m 41, the son of two drug councilors. Grew up poor and my parent split up when I was five. Shortly after my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and the birthday and Christmas gifts started showing up weeks early, then months early. He wanted to make sure I had the next present if he didn’t make it.
My mom would shit talk my dad, putting poison in me about how he left us. It wasn’t long after I started wishing I was never born, also wishing he would just die so the pain would stop for all of us.
My dad was self made, born in the depression. He spent 16-18 months in inpatient care, all the while my mom made up stories about how he forgot to pick me up for the weekends. Lying was the alternative to telling me the truth, that he might die at any moment.
So I developed some issues, and started asking questions to my dad about everything. “Ask your mom” is all I got from him.
I was about 12-13 when our neighbor came over to detox, he lived with his mom. She stashed the guns in our garage fearing he would kill himself. I found them, and loaded one round in the six shooter, stuck it in my mouth and pulled the trigger once (after spinning it), daily for 6 days.
School was a joke, and no one cared about me there or at home. I learned very quickly not to talk about what was bothering me as it was twisted into some psychological trip from my parents.
On my 15th b-day I moved in with my dad and his new girlfriend. She didn’t want me there, as her youngest finally left the nest. School was worse, and my high school gpa was 0.5 at the end of my freshman year. Everyone was after me, rednecks, cops, kids, teachers, at this point I had multiple guns drawn on me. No where was safe. About 6 months later I got kicked out by my dads girlfriend. His solution was to put me in a trailer across the street, and I had to sign a agreement with her, that I wasn’t allowed on their side of the property for anything other than an emergency. No phone use, no laundry, no food… nothing…
Dropped out at the end of my freshman year, got a car, started community college, had multiple jobs. Granted I didn’t have to pay for rent water or electricity.. everything else was on me the moment I got my license:
It was about that time I started getting more suicidal, but also like before I left it to ‘chance’. It was nothing pegging the speedometer, and much more that I care not to say.
Around this time I remember driving down highway 101 in a winter storm with 100+ wind gusts, high as shit on morphine pills, stoned, and consumed a 40 of the green death (Rainer ale, cheapest with the highest % money can buy).
More later
 
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