If trees could talk...

[JeffGu]

If trees could talk, what do you suppose they'd be saying while we climbed?

"Hey, asshole! Try a cambium saver, will ya'? I'm trying to preserve my youthful complexion, here!"

"Lose some weight, fat boy! I ain't made of friggin' titanium, ya' know!"

"Yeah, sure, whack another limb off, Dr. Frankenstein! I wasn't using that one, anyway. If I had better manuel dexterity, I'd shove that saw right up..."

"Hey, can you see Sarah Palin's house from up here?"

"Gaffs, really? How would you like it if your wife wore those things while you're doin' the nasty, eh?"

"Can I get a bandaid for that?"

"Since you're up here... can you scratch my bark over there, next to that bump? Ohhhh... yeah! That's the spot! Hell, yes. Yeah, baby, that feels gooooood! Say, what are you doing this Saturday, big boy?"

"Hey, hey, hey... don't you cut there! Does that look like a freakin' node to you, dummy? What, you didn't think I'd notice? I'm no dumbass maple tree, ya' know. I've been around the block a time or two... er... well, actually I've never been anywhere but right here."

"Psssssstttt. Hey, you! Got a beer?"

 

[Boomslang]

"Mmmm, yea, choke me with that rope. I like it rough!"

 

[Stihlmadd]

"hump me you know you want to go on hump me set that line and get to it !"
"you like smooth crotches eh check these out"
"what are you waiting for, get it over with I 'm fooked, you wouldn't let your dog suffer like this would you?"
"just a haircut sounds fine"

 

[frashdog]

"Go ahead kill me...more will take my place!
And when you stupid humans have all killed yourselves...we will still be here!"

 

[RopeShield]

"of course I have a soul"

 

[RopeShield]

Nice ash shame about your face

 

[Boomslang]

"Hey, Gary! I got another one of those things crawling on me!"

"Awwww, what a cute little...hey, what is that!?...I don't like the looks of it...just put it down, man, put it...no...no....ngrglgrglgrgl......................................................................."

 

[RopeShield]

"All this big wood and I ain't getting any"

 

[mattwisconsin]

I could imagine them stealing one from the customer

"Hey, while you're up here could you [insert time-consuming task that wasn't on the bid]"

 

[Boomslang]

I could imagine them stealing one from the customer

"Hey, while you're up here could you [insert time-consuming task that wasn't on the bid]"

Related. The ever popular, "Do you think you could fit my wife in that chipper?" (It's always the husbands saying this for some reason )

 

[frashdog]

Related. The ever popular, "Do you think you could fit my wife in that chipper?" (It's always the husbands saying this for some reason )

My reply," your the customer, what ever you want let's just make sure the bodies are frozen first, or it might clog!"

 

[RopeShield]

Conversation between Baby tree and Moma tree. "
Baby "Moma, will I be as big and beautiful as you?"

Our greatest priviledge and responsibility is young tree training.
If you don't know this please find out.
It really is the main reason to be an arborist. To ensure a tree is as big and beautiful as fast as possible for as long as possible.

 

[RopeShield]

Before you hurt me
I am your warmth in the cold nights of winter
friendliest shade found
in the August sun
fruits fresh and appetizing

beam of your house and the table where you eat
bed of rest, and the keel of your boat
handle of the hoe that sits by the door of your home

the bread of kindness and the beauty of flower
When you pass, take a good look at me, before you hurt me

 

[RopeShield]

Sketchy tree
" dude you holdin?"
Nitro, where's the nitro, give me the fuckin nitro, NITRO me now mofo