A Festivus for the Rest of Us

JD3000

Most well-known member
This Christmas season, BE SOMEBODY.
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This Christmas card is intended for the express written consent of the listed Buzzard. All references made within the subtext of this card are for the sole satisfaction of the creator and shall not be construed as offensive, derogatory, or unamusing. Any and all assumptions, characterizations or beliefs firmly held by the receiver of this card is at the sole responsibility of the receiver and the creator shall bear no liability towards those assumptions, characterizations or beliefs. Furthermore, any and all likeness to the 1979 movie The Jerk , starring Steve Martin, shall be deemed factual given the creator's fondness for this timeless comedic picture.

And now for the airing of grievances...

I GOT A LOT PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!

@Jeff ... Has guests over, tells them lambrusco is fine wine and then gives them food poisoning.

@Worthaug ... Worst mustache ever.

@Tyler Durden ...Brad Pitt fanboy.

@treehumper ...coffee breath to cover up chronic halitosis.

@deevo ...Canadian.

@Magnum783 ...maintains his size by eating puppies and kittens.

@treebilly ...Steelers fan.

@Oroboros ...Canadian.

@swingdude ...alien invader that gave up the mission and moved to paradise.

@Tom Dunlap ...fleeing the Twin Cities due to Mob debt. Degenerate skee ball gambler.

@evo ...says the exotic dancing is just to keep him in beer money...

@colb ...Russian spy.

@Bucknut ...Nick Saban fanclub president.

@oldoakman ...also eats puppies and kittens. Canadian.

@JeffGu ...owes me $43, a vintage nine iron, an authentic 18th century Belarusian merkin, and a waffle maker.

@Steve Connally ...sells stuffed eagles at NASCAR races.

@Levi.CO ...has a Thai family in the basement making Silky and Arbor Wear knock-offs.

@Drumbo ...Amish pimp.
 

JD3000

Most well-known member
@Muggs ...tree work and website really just a front for his alternative lifestyle websites.

@fall_risk ...maker of long bizarre lists regarding Buzzers

@ATH ...peeping Tom at the old folks home.

@GregManning ...also involved in the fake monshine/maple syrup syndicate.

@Mark Chisholm ...really a diehard Red Wings fan.

@macswan ...roids up and hunts hipsters at night. In the Swanmobile.
 
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JeffGu

Well-Known Member
I can't believe that, after all this time, you're still going on about that alledged Balarusian merkin. First off, it's obviously William Shatner's toupee super-glued to that G-string you got from that hooker that tried to strangle you with it for non-payment of services. Secondly, an 18th century dating (especially for an item unheard of until the 19th century) is pretty hard to swallow when it has a little, gold, oval-shaped sticker on it that says, "Made In China". And last, but by no means least, it reeked of sardine oil and doe urine and I have no idea how it ended up in the garbage disposal.

Ok, the waffle iron complaint is legit... but if you saw what I've been using it for, you wouldn't want it back, anyway.
 

rico

Well-Known Member
@rico ...wears lucky g-string while logging.

Never been washed.

@Waldo ...leads a hipster poetry slam every third thursday.

@FreeFallin ...spastic geeky dweeb.

@Jem4417 ...illiterate.

@Pelorus ...runs a fake moonshine ring smuggled in maple syrup bottles.

@ROYCE ...has a van that says "free candy" on it.
Great stuff brother! If I told ya' once I told ya' a thousand times though, its my lucky Puerto Rican Flag Speedo. At least you got the never been washed part right. Never Ever.

And thanks for the heads up on that Royce character. I knew there was something "off" with that fella. Stranger Danger!
 

evo

Well-Known Member
Did I ever tell you about the time involving; fundamentalist Christians, drag queens popping off their nails and taking their heels off, the Greek father son gay strip bar, the street kid punks, the PDX riot police, and my self waffle stomping the hood of a van in?


It wasn’t just for beer money!
 

JD3000

Most well-known member
@evo ...that story might almost be as good as the one I have about how I got the nickname Sick Boy in college. Name came from a combo of a Trainspotting character and a Social D song.

The story degenerates from there...
 
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JD3000

Most well-known member
I can't believe that, after all this time, you're still going on about that alledged Balarusian merkin. First off, it's obviously William Shatner's toupee super-glued to that G-string you got from that hooker that tried to strangle you with it for non-payment of services. Secondly, an 18th century dating (especially for an item unheard of until the 19th century) is pretty hard to swallow when it has a little, gold, oval-shaped sticker on it that says, "Made In China". And last, but by no means least, it reeked of sardine oil and doe urine and I have no idea how it ended up in the garbage disposal.

Ok, the waffle iron complaint is legit... but if you saw what I've been using it for, you wouldn't want it back, anyway.
Hey that's what the guy told me when I bought it. Plus, if anyone knows the in's and outs of why prostitutes shaved their moneymakers to avoid crabs and then donned pubic wigs to cover up the effects of syphilis it's gonna be you after all.

I told you those slippery Ukrainians weren't to be trusted...at least I got an authentic telescope once owned by Galileo in the same swap. All I gave up was the deed to your house and some fake boomers.
 
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JD3000

Most well-known member
Holy Hell @ROYCE gave the thumbs up.

That was the one I was worried I may have crossed the proverbial line.

Nevermind that time in Spokane...or was it Tijuana? IDK...Jeff was driving...
 

colb

Well-Known Member
Great... I'm Russian... to see The Last Jedi at nooooon! :sorprendido3:

If I get hung up in airport security - ever - I'm blaming you, @JD3000 , whom, I might add, dresses in women's clothing and hangs around in bas.
 
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